A long time coming

(Ahem, look what has been sitting in my drafts folder since I am not sure when.)


Well, it's been a few years since the last post. I had this idea that writing it all down would help. But it didn't. In fact, things continued to get worse. I was worse. And I wasn't showing any signs of re-emerging from the depths and despair I experienced. I don't know exactly how I came to know that I had been suffering most, not from the shock of motherhood, but from my entanglement from an extremely toxic relationship; intimacy with darkness.

I have learned a lot since then. Mostly though, of late, I have tasted small licks of joy in the connectedness I have with my sons without fear of intimidation, manipulation and emotional abuse. I like it. So, I'm not going back.

To leave a relationship with the father of my children may seem commonplace to many, but feels like my heart is breaking daily. I'm sad that the vision we had was only mine. I'm sad that the hope is gone. I'm sad that my boys won't know what I wanted for them most of all.... to be in a loving relationship with their dad and to model healthy happy partners.

But, it takes two to make four and once there were four there just wasn't enough to go around. There's no going back, when there are four, there are four. Until there are just three waiting around on a Saturday morning to see if dad will turn up. And then there will be two acting out anxieties they don't understand and there will be one, me, paining from old hurts and picking off the scabs of new ones.

I can see it from all four angles and its not pretty any way you look at it. It's a giant box of sadness. Daddy and mummy can't live together my darlings, not anymore. I am sorry for your loss dear ones, it's my loss too. And daddy's.

It's been a long time coming. The End.