(Ahem, look what has been sitting in my drafts folder since I am not sure when.)
Well, it's been a few years since the last post. I had this idea that writing it all down would help. But it didn't. In fact, things continued to get worse. I was worse. And I wasn't showing any signs of re-emerging from the depths and despair I experienced. I don't know exactly how I came to know that I had been suffering most, not from the shock of motherhood, but from my entanglement from an extremely toxic relationship; intimacy with darkness.
I have learned a lot since then. Mostly though, of late, I have tasted small licks of joy in the connectedness I have with my sons without fear of intimidation, manipulation and emotional abuse. I like it. So, I'm not going back.
To leave a relationship with the father of my children may seem commonplace to many, but feels like my heart is breaking daily. I'm sad that the vision we had was only mine. I'm sad that the hope is gone. I'm sad that my boys won't know what I wanted for them most of all.... to be in a loving relationship with their dad and to model healthy happy partners.
But, it takes two to make four and once there were four there just wasn't enough to go around. There's no going back, when there are four, there are four. Until there are just three waiting around on a Saturday morning to see if dad will turn up. And then there will be two acting out anxieties they don't understand and there will be one, me, paining from old hurts and picking off the scabs of new ones.
I can see it from all four angles and its not pretty any way you look at it. It's a giant box of sadness. Daddy and mummy can't live together my darlings, not anymore. I am sorry for your loss dear ones, it's my loss too. And daddy's.
It's been a long time coming. The End.
Monday 17 April 2017
We're back (in London, for like, years..)
So, let's see where I left off. Oh yeah, it was like 5 years ago. I was in Brighton. I had a newborn and a toddler. I was tandem breastfeeding... And then I just disappeared. Writing stopped.
In retrospect, I wonder if I stopped writing because I couldn't commit the life I was living to paper?
I want to fast forward. I don't want to tell the story of Shaun or the story of becoming a single parent. I don't want to relive those memories or hash out those unresolved feelings. Not yet. I just want to jump back in. Pick up from where I left off and maybe even feel, just a teeny bit like myself again. If you know me, you'll read this and nod your head. You'll know that I have had some rough times, but that things are getting better.
Sebastian is now 7 and Charlie is 5. My kids go to school. I teach three yoga classes a week to elderly people. I am a school run mum. I'm renting a two bedroom flat in SE London and I am completely grateful to our circle of friends and the families of children my sons go to school with. We feel part of a community and its wonderful.
We have just finished Easter break and it's time to go back to school. I can't say I am looking forward to it. There was a time when I counted the days before they went back to school/ nursery; I desperately needed a break! As we move forward in our lives together, the boys are growing up, our bond is tighter than ever and we have recovered so much from the dark years. I actually enjoy our moments together so much more.
I have a few health concerns, but nothing too serious. I have a multi-nodule goitre on my thyroid. I believe I am also entering the menopause. I started putting on weight a few years ago, so I am wondering if it's all linked up? I don't practice a whole lot of yoga to my dismay. I do walk a fair amount. I have routines set for my kids, but not many for myself. I think 2017 should be my year of self care. I have been to an Ayurvedic doctor and also a kinesiologist recently to try and balance my hormones and potentially reduce or completely rid myself of health concerns! Watch this space.
I'd like to do some more writing again. That's why I am starting here. I don't feel as though I have anything of major urgency to share, but I do feel like I want to.
I leave you with a picture of Seb and Charlie, wearing towels as capes, transporting the laundry via skateboard from the house to the garden shed (where the dryer is located).
TTFN xxx
In retrospect, I wonder if I stopped writing because I couldn't commit the life I was living to paper?
I want to fast forward. I don't want to tell the story of Shaun or the story of becoming a single parent. I don't want to relive those memories or hash out those unresolved feelings. Not yet. I just want to jump back in. Pick up from where I left off and maybe even feel, just a teeny bit like myself again. If you know me, you'll read this and nod your head. You'll know that I have had some rough times, but that things are getting better.
Sebastian is now 7 and Charlie is 5. My kids go to school. I teach three yoga classes a week to elderly people. I am a school run mum. I'm renting a two bedroom flat in SE London and I am completely grateful to our circle of friends and the families of children my sons go to school with. We feel part of a community and its wonderful.
We have just finished Easter break and it's time to go back to school. I can't say I am looking forward to it. There was a time when I counted the days before they went back to school/ nursery; I desperately needed a break! As we move forward in our lives together, the boys are growing up, our bond is tighter than ever and we have recovered so much from the dark years. I actually enjoy our moments together so much more.
I have a few health concerns, but nothing too serious. I have a multi-nodule goitre on my thyroid. I believe I am also entering the menopause. I started putting on weight a few years ago, so I am wondering if it's all linked up? I don't practice a whole lot of yoga to my dismay. I do walk a fair amount. I have routines set for my kids, but not many for myself. I think 2017 should be my year of self care. I have been to an Ayurvedic doctor and also a kinesiologist recently to try and balance my hormones and potentially reduce or completely rid myself of health concerns! Watch this space.
I'd like to do some more writing again. That's why I am starting here. I don't feel as though I have anything of major urgency to share, but I do feel like I want to.
I leave you with a picture of Seb and Charlie, wearing towels as capes, transporting the laundry via skateboard from the house to the garden shed (where the dryer is located).
TTFN xxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)